I was working with a colleague who writes about games when we were side-swiped by this sentence in a piece about the use of colour*:
This role play game by Jimwide Studios features heroes crossing snowy and tough terrain to experience classic adventures and tactics.
I suggested it would tell more of a story if the sentence started with people. In this case, the reader (a game designer) might identify with the characters in the game. This is what came back:
A lone hero crosses snowy and tough terrain in Epic Scepter where the sparing use of colour thrusts you into the hero’s slow march.
Next I got picky.
1. Using a significant word twice in a sentence can often trip readers up, so can we make it work with a single 'hero'?
I started to fret that I was becoming obsessed with this sentence - all this fiddling has used up a chunk of my day
2. 'Thrust' is a dramatic verb but 'crosses' is a bit flat.
3. I count five adjectives (lone, snowy, tough, sparing, slow). The sentence would carry more punch if we could get rid of some or convert them to nouns.
I came up with this:
A lone hero trudges through deep snow in Epic Scepter where the sparing use of color thrusts players into a frozen terrain.
But there are still four adjectives and trudges is vivid but possibly a bit depressing so, next I suggested this:
A lone hero battles through snow and rocks in Epic Scepter where the sparing use of color thrusts players into a tundra.
Then I started to wonder if the reader might care more about people playing the game than the fictional characters within it:
Players are thrust into a terrain of snow and rocks by the sparing use of colour in Epic Scepter.
Next I worried 'sparing use of colour' felt a bit weak next to a verb like 'thrust' and use of colour was, after all, what we were mostly writing about. Could being more specific help us?
Players are thrust into a terrain of snow and rocks by flashes of red against a background of muted colours in Epic Scepter.
Finally, I started to fret that I was becoming obsessed with this sentence. All this fiddling has used up a chunk of my day and one of the earlier versions may do the job just as well (I have nine other versions of this sentence I refuse to tell you about).
Rules for writing a killer sentence
1. Dramatic verbs
2. A story format (start with people)
3. As simple a sentence as possible (just one verb, ideally)
4. As few adjectives as possible
5. Be specific if you can
6. Remember there is life outside the sentence you are working on (possibly)
1. Dramatic verbs
2. A story format (start with people)
3. As simple a sentence as possible (just one verb, ideally)
4. As few adjectives as possible
5. Be specific if you can
6. Remember there is life outside the sentence you are working on (possibly)
* The names have been changed to protect the innocent in all this.
